Ad Astra Per Aspera

Why do the best of us feel the most shame while the worst of us don’t feel a thing?

Those words are the theme for new lyrics I’ve been carving out the past few days. I am typing in a hotel lobby in Indianapolis, Indiana. The complimentary apple I’ve been chomping away at is browning faster every time I look away from the keys.

I am weary of my inability to live in freedom. To live forgiven. To live in grace.

If you pay attention to the world we live in, no one feels more shame for the wrong that they have done than those that also claim to have been forgiven already by Christ. Hesitant to buy into our own belief, we promise the world forgiveness and freedom from sin, while we wallow in our own guilt.

I have met some incredibly humble individuals who struggle with very little sin and spend the majority of their time in prayer, bible study, and service. They seek Christ whole-heartedly but get caught up on the smallest issues and allow those issues to eat at them for years. Half the time it is these people that are totally imprisoned by their own shame. Then you meet the most self-centered, greedy, prideful person you can imagine and all they feel is mistreated, if anything at all.

No wonder everyone on the outside, not to mention the inside, of the church is confused. We preach salvation by grace. We win souls by spreading the good news that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done or haven’t done, God loves you. Then we spend the rest of our sermons and Christian lives trying to figure out how to appease God, consumed with managing our own sins. Before you know Christ it doesn’t matter what you’ve done, but now that you do know Him, it does. How exhausting is that?

To shed a little light on this, it does matter what you have done, inside or out of the Christian life. It’s not like Christians should be able to get away with anything just because they are forgiven and the rest of the world is not. The Christian faith is more than a ticket to heaven and a permission slip to continue on living how you were before. Forgiveness raises the bar, not lowers it. Grace does not let us off the hook, but allows us to try again and empowers us to do it right. Grace is opposed to earning, it is not opposed to effort. There is nothing we can do to sway God’s love for us, but we can influence his interaction in our daily lives. God isn’t going to show up where he isn’t wanted. He isn’t going to fight for our attention. He will leave us to our own devices until we seek Him.

The fact is that he does not want us stopping to feel bad about what we have done. Every other justice system in our world says we must “do time” until the penalty is paid. We sin, and then we feel obligated to feel bad for a certain amount of time so everyone and God knows we are ashamed. This lifestyle mocks the cross. This is what I mean by my desire to live forgiven, rather than aboard the rollercoaster of shame. I want to step out in boldness into the life I’ve been called to live, free of guilt and shame. Not because I haven’t done anything wrong, but because that matter of business has been taken care of.

Let me say there is a difference in feeling convicted and feeling guilty. The Holy Spirit certainly seeks out the inconsistencies in our lives and casts light on them. Conviction however, is not meant to shove us down rather to build us up. Conviction is a useful attribute of the Christian life that provides us guidance through gray or not so gray areas of decision. It is not the voice of guilt and pity that harasses us until we stop sinning and smothers us when we do. Conviction is the “tough love” side of the still small voice that is out for our good. I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit has our best interest in mind.

Shame is debilitating. There is no room for growth or forgiveness when shame is plaguing our hearts. We carry our shame as if everyone else can see it. Shame haunts us as if everyone else in the room knows our darkest secrets. Our world becomes small when it is ruled by shame because we will never feel worthy enough to spend time with anyone else.

The more I talk with people, the more I find that the source of their shame comes from 1.) Circumstances that are out of their control or not their fault or 2.) a sin issue that they have convinced themselves no one else struggles with.

Much like every other matter of the heart, shame is tied closely with pride. We are too proud to unpack our hearts in front of anyone, especially God, and we carry the weight with us that Christ already lifted. It gets heavier and heavier.

I believe God doesn’t want us wallowing in shame because there just isn’t enough time in this life to go back and try to re-do or un-do what’s already been done. God is moving forward and he has called us to follow him. He was serious when he said we were forgiven for everything, our sin and our shame, even what we’re about to do wrong today.

There is nothing more frustrating than someone continuing to bring up an issue you have already forgiven them for. This must be how God feels when we keep coming back to how inconsistent and unfaithful we are. He knows we are going to fail, he knows we are going to go back on our word, and he chooses to love us regardless.

God uses broken people, who else does he have left to use?

- Jeremy

DISCLAIMER: My thoughts were all over the place as I typed this over the course of a few mins before we check out of our hotel. I want to write and the only way to get better is to, well…. write! I intend on posting notes like this with my thoughts on life once a week or so. Feedback is always welcome. I have a limited perspective on the world but I can’t help but share. I want to encourage to share yours and help me grow along the way. I’m going to be writing on my computer either way, but whether or not I post them on here is up to you. I’ll keep posting if you’ll keep reading.